I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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