I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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