I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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