OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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