Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
