I want to have your abortion
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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