Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
