Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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