Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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