im having a threesome with these popsicles
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
