hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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