I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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