I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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