Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pants are for mortals
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