Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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