I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
