i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
