Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
