im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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