if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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