i jhust puked up my retainher.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
