Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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