Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think my moral compass just broke
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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