The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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