.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
