upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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