The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
