Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
