My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
