so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
