How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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