my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
