I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
