paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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