He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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