the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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