I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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