TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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