Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
