I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
