dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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