I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
