I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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