We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
