cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
