I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
