One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
