god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
