then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
