why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
