I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
