I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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