You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
