good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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