forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
