I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
